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an epiphany

i've been reading through my old journals. the first journal from college was shallow, embarrassing, and unremarkable. however, the sophomore year journal shows some growth, promise, and maturity.

this week has been a swing set of moods. reading the first journal was depressing. i still feel like i don't know who i am...

but, i am searching for themes and meaning in my life right now. and, last night i came across a statement that made my perspective shift. in my sophomore journal, i state with angst that i am afraid of living out my life without realizing true potential. without really living. this has been a fear for the past 10 years. as i reflect on this thought, i realized that in this past decade, i've lived. i do not look back on any of my years with regret. it's the journey that is life, and i've been learning so much as i go along.

i need to let go of this fear of not really living, for i am. i cannot say that i regret many things from my past. i made poor decisions and learned from them, but i cannot think of a block of time in which i was truly "not living".

this simple epiphany has cheered me up immensely. i can live without fear.

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day off synopsis and randoms

i had to work the weekend, so i had today off.

my goal was to attack the mountain of books stacked on my buffet, but unfortunately the majority of them are non-fiction and not quite suitable for a day of leisure reading. i am enjoying "the end of overeating", a book about how the food industry fills every processed food item with sugar, fat and salt in order to make it the most palatable and therefore torturous food imaginable...

i'm really interested in food culture, eating habits, and diet trends. i love reading books on all of the above. if i had the funding, i'd love to go back to school and study nutrition and food habits. but, i fear chemistry may be involved there, which is a major barrier. if only they'd pay me to read these best selling books all day...

i spent most of my time at work babysitting internet users and daydreaming about simplifying my life. one such way was by deleting extra time spent on useless web 2.0 functions, and deleting old and unused accounts with relish. myspace won't let me delete it, so i feel somewhat taken advantage of by this service...haven't decided what to do yet there.

how else could i simplify my life? well, i recently took this "passion test" to identify my top five priorities in life. i was pretty interesting, and the top results were not what i expected. if i had been asked to prioritize my priorities, i would have stated a different order than what came out...neither here nor there, but i'm trying to eliminate thoughts and activities that do not directly address these top five...more on that later.

today is day one of a short, casual detox. mainly fruit, veggies, brown rice, and tofu. i can't completely give up caffeine or i will be comatose, so i've allowed a few small discrepancies. i plan on eating this way for 10 days or so, then admitting other foods into my diet again. i had a delicious banana/frozen peach blend that sufficiently acted as dessert for the evening.

other news to report: parents are visiting friday, i rearranged the furniture and have rekindled some nesting tendencies, and i'm going to jacksonville on saturday to visit my best friend jax.

now for some valerian root, an attempt at a crossword, and bed.

xo

c

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eye of the tiger

yesterday felt like a break through in my public speaking fears. i am part of a task force at work that is collecting information and training public librarians throughout northeast florida on eGovernment services in libraries. part of this involves 2 hour sessions in which we go through a powerpoint presentation, foster discussion, and answer questions.

the first time i had to present, i was incredibly nervous - and it was only in front of two people! then, my coworker - who was supposed to split up the following presentations with me was called out to another task. so i had to lead these myself!

i found this out early, so i had time to digest. yesterday i drove to nassau county and presented to two groups, some of which were library assistant directors and branch managers. for some reason, i didn't get that nervous! positive self talk really helped.

i stopped telling myself that i didn't like public speaking, that i was a bad speaker, that i was going to get nervous and cotton mouthed and shaky.

i told myself that this was a good challenge, that i would be fine, that these were my colleauges that want me to succeed. and i did great!

something i'm trying to work on is being prepared without over preparing and obsessing. i felt really comfortable with this yesterday because i knew the material very well. but i have to learn how to be flexible, slow down, and read my audience.

it felt fantastic to be done with this, but also look forward to doing it again. yes!

i feel like this opened up some doors for me. i would love alternative library jobs and to travel. becoming a library trainer later in life would enable me to do more traveling - and get paid to do it!

*does a little dance*

have a good day!

i work this weekend, but i'm looking forward to pay day and some fun parties.

xo,

c

work schmerk

i've been particularly unmotivated at work. i'm having a hard time concentrating and resisting urges to text message, check email, and hunt for pleasures in trinidad and tobago.

i guess it's because i lack the challenge that i had the first 6 months of the position?

i'm so sick of the word eGovernment. i slightly resent the fact that my job has turned into social work (not that there's anything wrong with that...)

the morale here has gotten so low. we are witnessing our powers eliminated one by one under the mandate of "chain of command". dare not write an email to a superior without running it past the person one link above...how did this organization become such a stuffy top-heavy bureaucracy?

in library school they spouted all of this blather about the changing paradigms of organizations....bull crap.

any way. friends assure me that slacking at work is okay, everyone does it...but that's not my normal work ethic.

i'm bored stiff!

a vacation this weekend awaits.

then, more daydreaming about perfect jobs and moving to exciting new cities (neither of which are happening within the year).

back to work!

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only the lonely

we went to this "young professionals networking happy hour" put on by this group in town. i was really looking forward to it. i thought we might meet other like minded individuals, find some friends, maybe i'd promote my AVON business, greg could network for students, etc.

however, it just left me feeling like i just don't fit in anywhere. i don't mind not being a stereotype, but since i'm not, i don't fit in to any one "clique".

i've definitely changed. when i was in college i was all indie, didn't wear bras, dyed my hair black, wore gobs of black eyeliner, listened to punk/indie music, drank beer every night, smoked ciggies constantly, and lived a very promiscuous lifestyle. and yet i always felt like an imposter.

now, i'm much more mainstream. i don't really care to go out, i have a professional job and wardrobe to match, i have a set routine which involves gym-work-errands-dinner-couch. i listen to good and bad music, i sell Avon, and i'm married. i feel the most genuine i've ever felt, but the indie "fuck the man" attitude still comes out from time to time. but you see, sometimes you have to give the man a blow job to get ahead...

i'm definitely more attracted to wealth than i once was...this meeting was full of young yuppies. granted, i was at a business mixer, but it was so weird...and they didn't give greg and i the time of day. i went to possibly join their group, and we were ignored by the officers. why would i pay $50 to join now? what's the point? i can fucking network on my own, bitches...

any way. it was good and bad. good to know i still have some smarts and attitude left, and bad because now i feel like a social orphan. i love the friends i have and feel very fulfilled in my social life. but, i just would like a network here in town...it seems that whenever we meet a cool couple that syncs with us...they move away in 3 months (k'nen you better not). i guess it's the nature of living in a college town...and we will be that couple in a year or probably two or three...

i digress.

random thoughts

this week is going by exceptionally fast. i was dreading it and i make myself not consider it and just live each day. it's been wonderful.

i just finished that book about happiness, and the author mentions that too much thinking breeds unhappiness. i overthink everything. sometimes i go to bed early so that i can just lay there and think. i like this, but is it healthy? is going over the same thought pattersn again and again good? no. i waste so much energy thinking about the same things over and over...i need new material.

i finally feel like money isn't an issue. i was able to walk in to old navy, grab three shirts, and walk out in 15 minutes without blinking an eye. it was fantastic! i'm very grateful for that.

i'm really looking forward to seeing my parents this easter. i miss them terribly. i want to go home!

i want a bikini wax. and i'm sick of this red hair. i can't keep it consistent because it fades so fast. i liked it a week ago and now it's this brassy orange color. eff that. i think i'm going to go brown again. maybe get some highlights for the summer?

i want to get a tan. i'm considering the tanning bed, even tho i know it's not good for my freckled, moled, self. but will once or twice a week kill me? i don't want to be orange or leather, but i feel liek some color would really help me out here....

not much else going on. this horrid, lovely weather is making me feel strange. i love rain...but the low pressure messes with yo head...


xoxo

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i'm feeling better, thank you

after a good night sleep and a jog, my spirits are lifted.

i just finished "the geography of bliss" a book about seeking the happiest places on earth. it was outstanding. it made me laugh, think, enjoy, and breathe. i loved it. it reminded me of "eat, love, pray", which i also enjoyed. i want to travel so badly!!! how can i get a job that will let me do this?

sometimes i really wish i'd stuck to journalism. me and my low self-confidence...i was too scared to keep going at journalism - i didn't want anyone to read what i'd written - it wasn't "good" enough, funny enough, smart enough, etc. i guess i could always get a second degree...but just this morning i was thinking how nice it was to be free of school stress. a good start would be to start this article i want to write for a library journal...

i really need to do some meditation and yoga...my brain has been full force these days.

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happy friday the 13th!

i'm having a remarkable day. i submitted my first AVON order last night, and i feel really proud that it went so well. i'm still really excited about selling and i think i will do well with this.

i've also started to really try and dress well each day. i'm taking more time in the morning with choosing my outfit, jewelry, makeup, etc. i feel better and more confident, which is outstanding. i also think my working out and eating more healthfully is paying off. while i would have liked to lose a little more pounds, i think that i can feel and see the difference more on my body than on the scale.

i'm gonna step up my workouts and cut out beer and desserts *grins* i'm gonna try to eat more sushi, grilled fish, and salads. cut out the carbs a little. but still have fun. no extremes...

my tattoo date is getting closer! almost one month left. i can't believe how long i had to wait! i guess it's good cuz i'm still so super excited. i picked the perfect season - the azaleas are out in full bloom for my azalea tattoo!

i feel very fortunate right now in my life - career, friends, physically, mentally, emotionally...good!

listen to me

while i love the internet and spend more time with a computer than any physical person, there are some detrimental aspects to our society's information age...

email & social networking are great and i'll admit that i am capable of what i'm about to vent, but the online world really allows people to be neglectful, misinterpreted, or even rude. i'd love to go back to school and study the sociological aspects of email and text messaging, and how it has changed personal interaction over the past decades.

have people really become more self-centered?
are we just busier?
were people just as rude/ignorant in the last century? i feel like manners and etiquette have taken a nose-dive. i'm really interested in manners and social mores. i'd like to take an ettiquette course, if for nothing more than preserving a dying social language...like taking latin.

i'm also too sensitive when it comes to electronic communication - was an email ignored because the person hates me now? of course that's what i think, but there are plenty of better reasons for why a person does not respond. i always imagine that the person looks at the sender and clicks delete with a sigh of disgust...heh.

i need to reframe these situations in my head. i am a good person, whom most people like or even love. my ideas are valid, intelligent, and mostly well thought out. i am interesting and deserve to be heard.

i also need to change my methods of communication. if a response is important to me, then a phone call is necessary. i cannot bitch about a neglected email without realizing that others may not prefer this line of communication...

repeat mantra: i will not worry about things outside of my circle of control...

new mantra: i am a beautiful and intelligent person worthy of being heard...

now i will have a good day!

off to groceries, bank, house-cleaning, and cake making!

glory days

i feel like things are going really well again. i'm in a good place.

i signed up to start selling avon and i'm really excited about it. i know it's part of their schtick to get you excited, but i love business and i love makeup, so of course i'm pumped.

the crazy thing is that a psychic told me that my sister would be selling cosmetics one day...and it now happened! i truly believe that woman has powers...i'd like to go back and see her!

i'm happy because it appears greg's job is picking up. his boss told him last night that he is second in line to fly blood. this means eventually more money and we do not have to move soon! i eventually want to move, but i really love my job and i'm making good friends now.

it's friday!

*jumps for joy*